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Dear Annie: My son is in a relationship with a young woman who had three children before meeting him. They had two more children eleven months apart. “Jordan,” his girlfriend, grew up in a foster home. She’s been through some tough things. When she became pregnant with my son’s first child, I promised to treat her children as if they were part of my family. My other children also agreed that this was the only way forward.
However, it wasn’t long before Jordan was saying things to me, like threatening to keep the kids away from me. Moreover, both she and the children are very motivated by material things. They value visits pretty much based on what they will receive from them. Because Jordan grew up in foster care, I understand her valuing of “things” and receiving gifts, but I am single, trying to save for retirement, and also trying to make ends meet in a challenging economy.
Because that relationship has become very tense and because Jordan exhibits a lot of negative behavior, my other children do not want to be with her or her children. I feel really uncomfortable about the things she said to me. I don’t know how to get past it. Unfortunately, this means that I don’t see my son and his children much. I’m afraid to do anything special for them or buy them toys or books because their mother and the other children would resent it.
My son recently complained that he feels isolated from us. I told him that we love him very much, but we don’t know how to navigate that relationship.
The situation bothers me a lot. I feel like I need to have the grace to deal with this situation. I feel selfish. On the other hand, at age 61 and after a divorce late in life, I’m working harder than I ever have in my life. My job is very socially demanding and I don’t have much social energy to spend outside of work. I am very protective of my personal time and don’t want to spend it with unpleasantness. I don’t want to be around rude adults or children who are unruly and need gifts to feel validated.
I should add that I recently moved from a house in the suburbs to an apartment in the city core. My apartment isn’t big, and five visiting children would make it feel very small. My complex is beautiful and very safe, but it is very urban – and homelessness and crime are part of the deal. There is no place for children to play outside. I love it here. I like the diversity. I respect the difficult things that are part of living in a city. I’ve wanted this for most of my adult life, and I feel like I’ve finally earned this life and kept it precious.
How can I help my son feel less isolated and balance my time and well-being? – I’m trying to figure it all out
Best try: It sounds like Jordan’s childhood was wracked with trauma, which means some of her behaviors in adulthood may be strange or disturbing to you. While it’s not your job to accept her insults, it can help to try to understand where she’s coming from – and the best way to find out is to ask.
If you feel comfortable, contact her for lunch or coffee and try to find out a little more about what might be motivating her unusual and offensive comments. If that isn’t possible, have a conversation with your son about her and make it clear that you are trying to understand her better instead of just complaining.
As for hosting it in your new apartment, there are plenty of alternatives. Offer to come to them instead, or meet in a neutral place like a park or restaurant. You’ve worked hard for a peaceful home, and you have every right to keep it that way.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearanie@creators.com.
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